The Moment We Lost Three Generations and How We Can Reach The Fourth

One thoughtless word, one unkind glance, one impatient gesture. How we treat children in our congregations matters for generations. Read on to see how we learned that lesson.

My husband and I have always served rural communities where neighborhoods with few resources were scattered among more affluent homes. In rural areas, brick ranch homes can sit on disused farmland alongside an assortment of poorly maintained trailer houses. These last are often occupied by people in transition.

For a while, we served at a church where one of these trailer communities sat next door to the church property. Each afternoon we saw the school bus drop off many children at the top of the dirt road that ran through the center of the neighborhood. Like children everywhere, they ran and shouted toward their homes, threw down their bookbags, and began to play. 

We had never seen these children in our Sunday school or sanctuary, and the Lord convicted us to reach out, invite them, and bring them into God's family.  Jesus loves children, and we are mandated to love them too.

So, my husband and daughter concocted a plan. At the time, we had a horse and a pony to accommodate our daughter’s passion for English riding. They rode their horses into the neighborhood with flyers inviting kids to Vacation Bible School. If they came 30 minutes early, they could ride a pony around the churchyard, guided by either my husband or daughter.

What child doesn’t love a pony ride? They turned out in droves and stayed for the VBS program. They all had a wonderful time learning about Jesus, making crafts, and enjoying the fun activities. 

On the last day, we asked the children to come back Sunday morning. Many of them did. They went to the Sunday school rooms on the upper level of a brick education wing. It had a long hall with classrooms on either side.

If you know anything about children, you know a long, narrow hall invites young boys to run. If you are nine years old and have a long, empty hall in front of you, it is simply impossible to walk. Running is the only option.

So, when two young boys from the next-door neighborhood came out of the room, they ran down the hall, not surprisingly.  Their laughter, like that of all children, was poorly modulated, and the noise reached into the other classes.

Like many churches, this church had a club of grouchy old guys. As the boys began to run, the chief grouchy old guy threw open his classroom door, pointed a finger at them, and angrily shouted, “Don’t you EVER run in this church again!” This was followed by another angry declaration and a few disparaging comments.  He slammed the door shut, and the grouchy old guys club meeting (AKA Men’s Bible Class) continued.

Predictably, the little boys left immediately, and nothing would persuade them to stay. And the chief grouchy old guy's prophetic words came true. Those little boys never ran in the church again. In fact, we never saw them or any of their friends again.

Read that again: We never saw them or any of their friends again.

Let’s expand that thought.

Those boys are about 35-40 years old now. What are the odds that they ever gave church another chance?  Would you? If you were told you would get to know Jesus and instead met a grumpy old man who yelled at you, would you go back? Especially if you were young and vulnerable...Do you return to places where you are treated with hostility?

Church is not school- church is optional. When school officials treat children with hostility, the children have to go back day after day into that environment. At church, children and their families simply walk away. Needs unmet, love not found, kindness not experienced.

Church people are held to a higher standard of hospitality and kindness than the world.

Those boys probably have children of their own now. What are the odds that those children were lovingly taught the gospel in their home and then went to a church where they learned to know and love Jesus? Do loving parents take their children someplace where they themselves have been badly treated? No.

Many parents who had similar experiences to these boys all those years ago (and there are many parents who had similar experiences) believe that they are protecting the children they love by keeping them away from church.

So now, we recognize that three generations may have been lost to the church:

1. The boys’ parents—parents who did not respond to the invitation to bring their children into a church that wanted to welcome them. They may have had many reasons. Perhaps an unwritten dress code made them feel they did not belong. Perhaps class distinctions communicated that the church was more comfortable for those with greater means. Perhaps years of subtle messages had already convinced them that church was not a place for their family.

2. The boys themselves—children who encountered an angry, bitter older man whose behavior had apparently gone unchecked for decades. What may have seemed like one unpleasant encounter to the adults in the room may have become a defining memory for those children.

3. The children of those boys—the next generation- who may grow up hearing that church is not a place where their family belongs. Sometimes generational attitudes toward the church begin with something as simple as one negative encounter.

But what about the fourth generation?

What will it take to bring the gospel to children growing up with little or no Christian tradition beyond a secular celebration of Christ’s birth?

How do we transform our old brick buildings into places where this generation encounters a living beacon of light, grace, truth, and love?

The answer begins with our willingness to go where the children are.

If we truly desire to live out scriptural holiness, then we must be active, intentional, and engaged among the children God has placed around us.

We must also pay particular attention to the children whose families cannot afford expensive sports teams, dance lessons, music lessons, gymnastics, cheerleading, or other activities that have traditionally given children community and belonging.

That may mean our children’s ministries begin to look very different from the ones we remember from our own childhood.

There may be no Sunday-best clothing. There may not be perfectly modulated voices or children sitting quietly with their hands folded. There will likely be noise. There will be movement. There will be moments when we need to lovingly redirect rowdy behavior.

And that is okay.

Because the goal is not to recreate the children’s ministry we remember.

The goal is to create a ministry that reaches the children who are standing at our doors today.

We can teach them reverence without demanding that they already know how to be reverent. We can teach them how to worship while giving them room to be children. We can establish boundaries without building barriers.

Most importantly, we can make sure that when a child walks through our doors, they encounter the love of Jesus before they encounter our expectations.

The fourth generation is still within reach.

And perhaps God is calling us to become the generation that reaches them.